In Which I Discuss Superpowers

I was one of the "Teen Program Leaders" when I worked at camp. This job consisted of my fellow leaders and I desperately trying to hold the attention of the teenagers that had been put in our care by telling embarrassing stories and otherwise making fools of ourselves.

Now that I say that, I think I know why I write what I do in this blog.

Anyway, usually at the end of one of our games, we would invite the winner up to the front of the room and "interview" them. We would ask the standard questions, such as name, favorite color, et cetera... but the last question was always the same: if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Little did they know there was a catch. No matter what superpower they chose, we would analyze it and show them how in reality, their idea of a superpower was in fact horrible and they should be ashamed for even thinking of it.

Not even the other leaders were safe. Laura said she would like to shoot lasers from her fingers.

That's very unfortunate, Laura. Lasers will now be constantly erupting from your cuticles. Have fun trying to have any meaningful relationships with anyone ever again. It's hard to make friends when you burn peoples' guts out when you go to shake their hand.

Not to mention blowing your own head off when you point at something.

It seems obvious that superpower wishes should not be taken lightly. But some people thought they could game the system. How about super speed, thought one kid. Surely nothing could be wrong with that.

Sure, Billy, you can have your super speed. Have fun trying to pick up a pencil without accidentally launching it into orbit with your lightning fast reflexes. Or try stepping out of the shower without accidentally launching yourself through the wall and into the street, dripping wet and naked. How embarrassing, Billy. How embarrassing.

And I didn't even mention the G-forces ripping your body apart as soon as you actually try to run.

What's that Timmy? You want to fly? That's real great. First you need hollow bones.

Expect to spend most of your life in the hospital, Timmy.

And with that sobering thought, Bobby comes up with his idea of the perfect superpower. Mind control.

You could defeat any enemy, do anything you wanted. Little Bobby could be the king of the world. Nations would bow to his iron will, forced to carry out his every command.

Well, Bobby, you sound a little messed up and I'll be talking to your parents a bit later. But more importantly, what will you do when you've seen everything, owned everything, and done everything? You will live out a boring life and I'm sure you would eventually go insane. Not to mention that you would never know if your "friends" actually liked you or if they were just mind controlled. What a horrible, horrible existence, Bobby.

But hey, at least you got your superpower, right?