Tuesday, October 19, 2010

In Which I Discuss Superpowers

I was one of the "Teen Program Leaders" when I worked at camp. This job consisted of my fellow leaders and I desperately trying to hold the attention of the teenagers that had been put in our care by telling embarrassing stories and otherwise making fools of ourselves.

Now that I say that, I think I know why I write what I do in this blog.

Anyway, usually at the end of one of our games, we would invite the winner up to the front of the room and "interview" them. We would ask the standard questions, such as name, favorite color, et cetera... but the last question was always the same: if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Little did they know there was a catch. No matter what superpower they chose, we would analyze it and show them how in reality, their idea of a superpower was in fact horrible and they should be ashamed for even thinking of it.

Not even the other leaders were safe. Laura said she would like to shoot lasers from her fingers.

That's very unfortunate, Laura. Lasers will now be constantly erupting from your cuticles. Have fun trying to have any meaningful relationships with anyone ever again. It's hard to make friends when you burn peoples' guts out when you go to shake their hand.

Not to mention blowing your own head off when you point at something.

It seems obvious that superpower wishes should not be taken lightly. But some people thought they could game the system. How about super speed, thought one kid. Surely nothing could be wrong with that.

Sure, Billy, you can have your super speed. Have fun trying to pick up a pencil without accidentally launching it into orbit with your lightning fast reflexes. Or try stepping out of the shower without accidentally launching yourself through the wall and into the street, dripping wet and naked. How embarrassing, Billy. How embarrassing.

And I didn't even mention the G-forces ripping your body apart as soon as you actually try to run.

What's that Timmy? You want to fly? That's real great. First you need hollow bones.

Expect to spend most of your life in the hospital, Timmy.

And with that sobering thought, Bobby comes up with his idea of the perfect superpower. Mind control.

You could defeat any enemy, do anything you wanted. Little Bobby could be the king of the world. Nations would bow to his iron will, forced to carry out his every command.

Well, Bobby, you sound a little messed up and I'll be talking to your parents a bit later. But more importantly, what will you do when you've seen everything, owned everything, and done everything? You will live out a boring life and I'm sure you would eventually go insane. Not to mention that you would never know if your "friends" actually liked you or if they were just mind controlled. What a horrible, horrible existence, Bobby.

But hey, at least you got your superpower, right?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The P's: Episode 5 - SUPER SPECIAL #1


The P's present: Brave P and King Bomb: Mecha Madness

I can't be sure, but it looks like something just got real.

The raw emotion on everyone's face in this picture forces me to empathize with each character... and then realize I have nothing to empathize with because they are just stick men with angry eyes.


P's in: Defeating Bubbly Bomb!

I wonder what happens in this episode.


We pick up right where we left off. Bubbly Bomb is standing in front of the door to the War Room.

Ominous Voice: Come in.


Bubbly Bomb enters the War Room.


Brave P motions to his crew.

Brave P: Come on.

What are P and Propelly so happy about here? They are entering a War Room. There's not going to be any ice cream. Maybe they're just bloodthirsty freaks. I'd expect that from a mutant like Propelly, but not from P... I guess it's just another layer to his already extremely deep character. He's like the Dexter of the group.


Brave P dramatically enters the War Room, and Scaredy P does some ridiculous hop.

(laugh track)


The four adventurers stand, stock still, in horror at what lies before them. Scaredy P falls over.

Brave P: GASP!

Nothing like shouting the word "GASP" to convey your shock at a situation. Sadly, I know people that do this in real life.



King Bomb, the Master of Evil himself sits upon his pleather throne, smiling a toothy smile at his foes. His three deformed cohorts guard him on all sides.

King Bomb: Hello, Brave P.

If The P's was a movie, James Earl Jones would play King Bomb. I read every one of King Bomb's lines in his voice.


The P's take a moment to talk strategy.

Brave P: Propelly takes Bubbly Bomb, P takes Snake, Scaredy-cat P takes Burning Bomb, and I'LL take King Bomb.

How he knows all the minion's names, I'll never figure out. Maybe King Bomb puts out a Henchman Calendar every year that Brave P always buys. "Hey there, Bubbly Bomb... or should I say, Mr. February?"


A dramatic close up of Brave P's mouth as he snarls a single phrase.

Brave P: Get them.

Brave P is voiced by Sean Connery.


The P's launch their attack. This song probably starts playing. P jumps on Snake's back, while Bubbly Bomb leaps into the air to confront Propelly, a bubble beginning to fester on his backside. Burning Bomb unleashes an incredible laser volley at Scaredy P but unfortunately misses by millimeters. Brave P, with a roar, launches a flying kick straight into the abdomen of King Bomb.

Brave P: Aargh!

Again, Brave P uses his experience in dealing with bombs here. Physical violence appears to always be the answer, with no concern for the safety of anyone else.


The battle rages on around Scaredy P. P throws a punch at Snake, but Snake slithers out of the way. Lasers appear to shoot out of King Bomb's foot, but Brave P quickly dodges. I'm not sure what Propelly and Bubbly Bomb are doing, but they better not be smooching.



P falls to the ground as Snake lunges at him. P uses physical violence on King Bomb again, making a small dent. Scaredy P's squiggly lines disappear, as he finds the angry eyes within. Propelly and Bubbly Bomb continue smooching.

Scaredy P is probably secretly the only competent one in the group, but he hides it behind his squiggly lines... but really, all he's ever wanted... was to be loved. He puts walls up, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Too bad no one cares.


Scaredy P launches into a wild attack, bouncing off King Bomb's head and knocking Burning Bomb off of the ceiling. Unfortunately King Bomb has trapped Brave P under his foot. P punches Snake, and Propelly and Bubbly Bomb have stopped smooching. The cyst on Bubbly Bomb's back no longer looks benign.


While the fighting continues, King Bomb says something idiotic.

King Bomb: Only the sword can get me!

Why would he say that. That is ridiculous. Your minions are losing, and you just decide to shout out your only weakness. If King Bomb was your friend on Facebook, he would obviously be the one posting every mundane aspect of his day for all to see.


Propelly removes the bubble from Bubbly Bomb's back. Bubbly Bomb immediately senses danger.

He's picking up a BUBBLE. Hands of an angel, that one.


Propelly throws the bubble bomb into Bubbly Bomb himself, causing a massive explosion of guts and gore which throws this comic into the PG range. King Bomb looks mortified.

Propelly didn't even give him a chance to surrender. That monster.

To be Continued...


They defeated Bubbly Bomb! Now just Snake, Burning Bomb, and King Bomb left! In case you lost track.

In the next issue, P punches Snake down. Really? I think seven-year-old me had no interest in suspense at all and really only cared about getting people to buy the next issue. I had clearly sacrificed plot for money. Seven years old and already a sell-out.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

In Which I Look Back In Horror

It has come to my attention that my blog is what young people would call a "fail". So here I am to actually post something again. I swear I do try but my life has been very busy with me getting a new job and all.

At long last, I have left the retail sector behind me. I have completed my schooling, and like a caterpillar escaping from the cocoon that it has fought against for so long, I shed my uncomfortable cage and emerge, a beautiful butterfly with a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Information Systems.

I feel that it is only appropriate now to reflect upon some of the interesting characters I have had the experience of working with.

Gross Cashier Girl

The retail business attracts many different sorts of people, many of them socially awkward and inept. One such example springs to mind now, of the interesting person I shall call Gross Cashier Girl. Although I was a salesman, occasionally I would have to go behind the cash counter to perform some task. This was something that I did not look forward to, as it would force me to engage in an awkward conversation with whatever person was manning the cash register at that moment. Normally, I would bury my head into some drawer, in an effort to look very busy.

This would usually work. But not this day.

I attempted to shove my head further into the shelf, hoping that I would, perhaps, find Narnia, if only I crawled in a little farther. Evil though the White Witch may be, surely she would provide a more engaging conversation than the one I was about to have.

Too late. I was being summoned. I drew my head out from the comfort of the underside of the counter and responded: "Yes?"

"Do you ever, like, burp, and then have puke come up into the back of your throat?"

"I think I may have, just now."

I quickly made my exit.

That, of course, is only one of the interesting staff members I encountered on a day-to-day basis. There was another:

Over-Friendly New Kid

Normally, when a new person is hired into a team, they spend a few shifts finding their place, getting to know people, before they begin to feel comfortable.

Not this guy.

This guy was instantly everyone's best friend. At least in his mind. The first day he was hired, I passed him as he left the store. What happened next was... incredible.

As I walked past him, we eyed each other, me nodding slightly to acknowledge his presence as a new member of the team. Thinking we had made the necessary greeting, I continued on, only to have my back patted vigorously, like I was a test subject in some sort of Massage Through Violence program. I whirl around to face my attacker, only to see the New Kid with his hands firmly planted on my shoulders. "Hey, Josiah. You have a great weekend, buddy!"

"...You too."

I stumble on, my mind shattered by what I had just experienced. What a first impression. How he knew who I was, I'll never know.

When I announced that I would be leaving the job, he approached me afterwards.

"Hey, Josiah. Um, so, I noticed that you talk to the other guys sometimes." (Yes, strictly at work, and only about work.) "So I was wondering we could, like, talk outside of work sometimes."

"Yeah, add me to Facebook or something," I respond. Unfortunately, my name does not show up in Facebook search. Oh well.

I can only hope that in my new job I can find people as entertaining and interesting as these to work with.